It’s easy to get caught up in people-pleasing and forget that our needs matter too. This can lead to feelings of resentment and burnout. Learning to communicate what you need clearly and without apology is an important part of setting healthy boundaries.

Why is it so hard?

Society often teaches us, especially women, that putting others first is the “right” thing to do. Saying no, or asking for what we want can feel selfish. We might fear conflict, rejection, or that someone will be upset with us. These fears can hold us back from expressing our needs.

The importance of communicating your needs

Better relationships:

When you communicate your needs, you give others the chance to meet them. This can lead to deeper, more mutually fulfilling relationships.

Less resentment:

Resentment can build when we feel our needs are ignored. Expressing what you need can prevent this.

Improved mental health:

Bottling up your needs can contribute to stress, anxiety, and depression. Assertive communication is part of self-care.

How to communicate your needs without apology

1. Identify your needs:

First, you have to know what you need. Take time to reflect on this. What are your limits? What do you need to feel seen, heard, and cared for?

2. Be direct:

Don’t beat around the bush. Clearly state what you need. Instead of “Could you maybe call me sometime?”, say “I feel more connected when we talk regularly, can we schedule weekly calls?”

3. Use “I” statements:

These focus on your feelings and experiences, rather than attacking the other person. “I feel hurt when…” vs. “You never…”.

4. Set specific boundaries:

Don’t just say “I need more time”, say “I need a few hours to myself on weekends”.

5. Practice assertive, not aggressive, communication:

Stand up straight, make eye contact, and use a firm but respectful tone. Avoid getting defensive or angry.

6. Be open to finding a middle ground:

You may not get exactly what you want. Be open to compromise.

Remember:

It’s okay to have needs. It’s okay to ask for what you want. You deserve to have your needs met. With practice, you can become better at assertive communication. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but the benefits to your relationships and well-being are worth it.